Long morning entries got ya down? Read it anyway.

Walking to work today had me thinking about an old coworker, Carol. At least, I think her name was Carol. We worked at Half Price together and started on the same day. Our boss has hired 3 people at the same time, me, Carol, and another girl who is a long story in and of herself. Carol and I hit it off almost immediately. She was nerdy, and I’ve been known to have my, er, nerdy moments. She was older, but I couldn’t tell by how much. If I were to wager, I’d say late 20’s, though she insisted she was way beyond my years. I told her about my ambitions of being a writer one day and her ears perked up. Apparently Carol published a small Science Fiction compilation every year and sold the copies for charity. She needed a copy editor/bitch and I so desperately needed some hope beyond a bookstore job.

She gave me an email account on her domain and set me up with little easy duties at 11 dollars an hour. I met her at her nice condo where she parked her nice PT Cruiser and she showed me the small things I needed to do to earn my keep. I was living on $7 an hour, and so I fudged the time I spent on her project, but she had the money and seemed more than happy to have the help. Soon enough we were meeting for coffee frequently outside of work and she told me of her mother who lived in New York and had property she was selling in the city. She said that she would be able to have some of the earnings and daydreamed of opening a writer’s commune somewhere in the northeast and she wanted me to come. I was thrilled, as I often am by empty promises, and we exchanged real estate listings with one another. We stumbled upon a listing of an old church that was for sale and swooned over the possibilities. All of the excitement, as well as the job duties, quickly died down when she was fired from the bookstore just a month after she had started. She and I kept in touch through email for several months afterwards but that also faded away. Rumors started that she was fired because she refused to take the trash out, of which I’m still questioning the truth.

I still have a VHS she gave me of the French and Saunders Lord of the Rings special that she had taped. She had good taste, though Sci Fi novels still aren’t much of my thing.

I think I’ll always be the girl who gets easily excited by possibilities. If a person says, “Let’s run away to Canada!” I’ll start looking for apartments and booking flights. I’ve been contacted numerous times by many different people asking me to share my creative abilities, which makes me positively giddy, but then the excitement dies down when I realize it’s all just a front, and they really don’t have any intentions beyond getting my hopes up. Last year around this time I was contacted by BBC radio asking for an interview about my Michael Palin website I made *mumblemumble* 10 years ago. I've been contacted by local magazines and people who want to start projets with me, all with disappointment which is possibly my fault. My ultimate goal would be to sell myself instead of a buyer coming to me, but that involves more work and letdowns than I think I can allow myself to go through. I’m not special. I’m not gifted. I’m just a girl who types fast and likes expletives a little too much for comfort.

I’m working the front counter all morning since my coworker (the one I’m friends with) is sick today. This means that I’ll either be extremely busy or ridiculously bored. My 4 (4? Really?) year anniversary with this here livejournal is coming up on the 10th. I might spend my morning searching through old entries and laughing at my old self. I think my old self would laugh at my new self, too. I'm more jaded but I'm a helluva lot more fun now, too. And cranky, though I was probably pretty damned cranky back then as well.

Oh, one more morning rant before I let you drink your coffee and bang your head on your desk... I've found that comfort has led me to bitch-default most of the time and I don't like it. I just replied to an email where I could have been damn-well bitchy as hell but I decided to be nice and apologetic instead. The bitchy wouldn't have been warranted, but it would have made me feel good about being right for a few minutes. I don't like that. I need to be a lot more kind if I'm going to get anywhere in this world, so another goal amongst my long list of goals is to not be such a raging cunt. The end.

Edit: Not the end. It's still a happy birthday to an awesome roommate and an awesome ex. AND: Consumables for today are lemon-pepper tuna, string cheese, strawberry uncrustables and DIET ROCKSTAR. I *am* a diet rockstar. I am rockstar lite.